Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I checked into jail on foursquare
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
