In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
