Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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