i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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