I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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