Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize