worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
