I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
