i can't believe i had my finger in that
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
