Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
