you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
