Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
