C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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