when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize