What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize