vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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