You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
