The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
