if you like me you must not know who I am
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
