My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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