If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
