Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
