I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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