Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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