I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
