just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
