we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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