From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
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