The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
