look no pants
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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