she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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