What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
