I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
