There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
