I just saw a hot homeless man
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
