How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
