the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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