My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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