Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
We left the knife in your bed.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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