mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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