Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Randomize