You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
