her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Randomize
