i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
