I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I'm bleeding and have questions
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
