My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
