all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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