he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
