I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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