so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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