How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
