He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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