His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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