i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
