I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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