when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i was born a porn star she said
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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