I wish my penis had an off switch
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
