eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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