just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize