just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just found puke in my bra..
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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