I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
