so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize