i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
