I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
